And then, the world ended.
The stars fell down like tear drops,
and I caught them in my palms as they trickled to the earth.
And I fell right through the floor,
as it heaved and breathed beneath me,
and I thought that I heard voices,
but it was just the silence.
You know,
I thought I saw you smile at me,
as I walked past you in the hallway.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Wow-o-wow!
I love how this started and how it ended. Usually I don't like short poems but this was great. You made this seem so surreal but then it ended simply. Simply beautiful.
Good Job
-Angel
This was great. I looked at it and thought it was way to short to be any good, but reading it...and wow.
At first I thought this was going to be about death or something but the spin you put on it was a lot better.
You're probably one of my favorite writers now just because of this.
Nice! I like the enthusiasm of the end, where it turns out that it was just a boy smiling at you as you passed him in the hallways. It expresses a lot of emotion, and it described what a lot of people think of boys they like. sure, it could have been a little better on some parts, like the part of the floor breathing, and I'm sorry, but it sounds like something that would make me laugh, no offense. So, just a few quirks of the poem and it's great! So, don't quit writing, and have fun with it.
I like this poem a lot, but as aforementioned, it could do with a bit more length.
I like the way that you started the poem here but using 'And then', so it sounds like you're half way through. I thought that worked well.
I don't think you should change much, or it will loose its essence, but a few changes could be made. I agree with what Sword in Chest said about the line "as it heaved and breathed beneath me,", although I do like the line before that. Maybe use a lighter word instead of 'heaved'? If that makes sense.
I really like this though! There aren't many big errors!
Oooo! Pretty!
And then, the world ended. <--- Love the beginning! But take away the comma and make the period a comma.
The stars fell down like tear drops, <--- Once more, take away the comma.
and I caught them in my palms as they trickled to the earth. <--- Hehehe! Okay! This is probably too rantish, but instead of saying that they trickled down to earth, I would say something like they were weighted with gravity or something to make it sound a little more original. Like, "and I caught them in my pals as they, weighted by gravity, fell down in the floor." Or something! And then, for my next line, I would say, "And I fell with them..."
And I fell right through the floor, <--- Already commented on it.
as it heaved and breathed beneath me, <--- What is "it"? The ambiguity of what "it" is kills your poem, so describe! Still, an easy fix.
and I thought that I heard voices, <--- More description would be nice here...
but it was just the silence. <--- ... and here.
You know, <--- I would change the comma into a colon (:).
I thought I saw you smile at me, <--- Ew! Take away the comma!
as I walked past you in the hallway. <--- Oooo! I love the idea! But it's still a little clunky. Maybe just, "as I walked past you"? Or... no. That doesn't work. But play around with it! It'll get better... it already is pretty good.
It was okay, but not fantastic. Infact, this poem is on the shorter side. The title, honestly doesn't fit in, and one sentence I didn't think was fit was
"And I fell right through the floor,
as it heaved and breathed beneath me,"
You've go the right idea, but you need to keep working.
Good job by the way.
.::=SIC=::.
(Sword In Chest)